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If you follow politics, late you’ve heard a lot of Republican candidates for president bemoaning so-called “personal attacks” against them.  I’m wondering whether anyone has undertaken to define exactly what a personal attack is.

A personal attack, it seems to me, must be personal in nature – that is, names have to be named.  It would help if it wasn’t issues-oriented, but directed at some nonsensical personal attribute or quirk.  And if you listen to the victims, apparently they’re all lies and half-truths.

Here are some suggested personal attacks which I’m sure haven’t been advanced by any candidates.  Please note that I have tried to keep these blurbs in character for the speaker – for instance, Mike Huckabee’s are generally humorous or religious in nature, John McCain’s often refer to national defense or legislative matters, and Mitt Romney’s tend to be unfair or deceptive.

  • Giuliani against Huckabee: “Mike Huckabee’s feet stink.  It’s from too much running.  His feet, they really a stink.  He should be prosecuted for those stinky feet.  Trust me, I’m a lawyer.”
  • Giuliani against McCain: “John McCain is a good man, but he wasn’t born in the USA.  He was born in the Panama Canal zone, which makes him ineligible to be president.  That’s right, he isn’t a natural-born citizen.  Trust me, I’m a lawyer.”
  • Giuliani against Romney: “Mitt Romney has money hidden offshore in banks in the Cayman Islands and Switzerland.  Lots of money.  My investigators could have written a book on the guy.  In fact they did!  They did write a book about Mitt Romney’s business dealings.  I’ll have it published after I’m elected.  Trust me, I’m a lawyer.”
  • Giuliani against Thompson: “Fred Thompson is bald, he has a big nose, and his socks don’t match.  Look, a man who can’t match his socks should not be the President of the United States of America.”
  • Huckabee against Giuliani: “After I’m elected Rudy can work in the White House kitchen.  He’ll work the night shift.  Then I can call him at night, wake ‘im up and say, ‘Hey Rudy, make me some of that great Flatbush Italian spaghetti!'”
  • Huckabee against McCain: “I think Senator McCain is a great American hero.  Let’s give the man a statue, and let’s do it quickly, before he dies of old age.”
  • Huckabee against Romney: “Don’t Mormons wear magic underwear?  Not that I would know anything about that.”
  • Huckabee against Thompson: “I think Fred needs some Metamucil, I think it would help a lot…he was in a bad mood last night.”  (oops – my bad, he actually said this after the Myrtle Beach, SC debate!)
  • McCain against Giuliani: Rudy Giuliani was negligent in failing to prevent the 9-11 attacks.  My friends, I would have prevented those attacks, I would have re-hijacked and landed those aircraft myself if need be.”
  • McCain against Huckabee: “I defer to Mike Huckabee in all matters.  The truth is, my friends, he should be president, not me.”
  • McCain against Romney: “My friends, although I have great confidence in Governor Romney to be a just and thoughtful and honorable leader should you elect him, I feel it’s my duty now to inform you that he’s a dirty little rat fink who lucked out of the military draft for Viet Nam.  And his first name is Willard.  Ha-ha!”
  • McCain against Thompson: “Fred wasn’t a good actor, couldn’t remember his lines, has an ugly wrinkly face.  A genuine Hollywood reject.  My friends, I won’t lie to you – I’m old and my face is wrinkled, but I can remember my lines.  Thank you!”
  • Romney against Giuliani: “An Eye-talian garlic-eater in the White House?  I should think not!
  • Romney against Huckabee: “Mike Huckabee isn’t tall enough or tan enough to be President of the United States of America.
  • Romney against McCain: “Senator McCain, a former US Navy officer, failed to report for duty every day from October 1967 until January 1973.”
  • Romney against Thompson: “On May 19th of 1972 Fred Thompson’s limosine ran over a puppy while transitting to pick Mr Thompson up at the airport.  It was a cute, brown and white puppy.  Is this the kind of conduct we expect from the President of the United States of America?” 
  • Thompson against Giuliani: “What…what law school…did the man attend?  Ah attended Vanderbilt.  The Yankee…he might could learn something…where’s my cue card?  He might could…learn something…from Vanderbilt Yewniversity. 
  • Thompson against Huckabee: “Ah grew up poorer than Mike Huckabee.  Ah can out-poor any of ’em.” (oops, he actually did say this!)
  • Thompson against McCain: “We have a saying here in the South, I learned it from Mike Huckabee – ‘If you cain’t fix it with duct tape and WD-40, boy, it cain’t be fixed.  That man is held together, Ah’m tellin you, by duct tape.  And he could shore use some WD-40.”
  • Thompson against Romney: “Say something bad about Romney?  No sir, I need him to stay in the race, to keep running negative ads about Huckabee!”

 Bonus Contest – you submit them, I’ll judge them:

  • Ron Paul against anyone: _________
  • Anyone against Ron Paul: _________

One Comment

  1. Hi-met you at the Huckabee meet-up last night. Our group is lucky(blessed?)to have you. You must be headed in a career in writing/politics. Your enthusiasm about Huckabee is great. Your blog about personal attacks is probably one of the funniest things I’ve read. I’m glad to get to know you and look forward to your imput on how we can get Huckabee elected!

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